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WORSE!!! TY, you have RUINED me FOREVER!!! Also, I believe my brass balls were promised an altar.
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Ok, so Ever Bloom (spoiler, she ends up immortal by the end of the book and so she is going to BLOOM FOREVER GET IT HER NAME IS SYMBOLIC!) just watched her whole family die in a car crash which was OMG TOTALLY HER FAULT, GUYS and now she's wracked with survivor's guilt. Also, she can hear people's thoughts..
ANYways, even though she's knock-down drag-out gorgeous (Noël's words, not mine), she's befriended The Goth and The Gay, aka The Losers, and they form a trifecta of freakdom. The Gay spends the whole book texting on his Sidekick and being 'so not kidding, you guys' and The Goth runs around attending various 'anonymous' groups because she's addicted to the attention (wasn't this in a movie once? Something about clubbing, and rules, and soap...) and wearing vinyl corsets and skull rings and Doc Martens holy shit, when did I fall into 1996?
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But ok, you know how I know it's not 1996? Because Edward Cullen just walked into the room. Oh, pardon me? Damen, is it? I'm sorry Damen. It's just that you're so 'undeniably beautiful' and 'sculpted' and 'dazzling' and you're so totally into this really awkward girl IMMEDIATELY and for no discernable reason and you 'move so fast [you] actually blur' that I mistook you for someone else. PS if you start sparkling SO HELP ME I will quit this shit.
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Anyway, Damen is into Bella Ever and she is INEXORABLY ATTRACTED to him because when he touches her he can Vulcan-mind-trap her, but she's also sort of skeezed out by the fact that she LITERALLY can't think straight when he's near her and I swear, her skeezing was the only thing that kept me from crying because Damen is like Spanish Fly of the mind and that is not ok.
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Mind-wtf-ery aside, Damen may not sparkle (as such...there is one 'emerging from the pool' scene that TY describes as 'slow mo Baywatch-like' where he 'glistens' so, honorable mention) but he does...friggin...magic tricks, like pulling tulips from behind her ears (and also pulling rosebuds from the CLEAVAGE of her arch-enemy while she watches, and then being all, Whazzamatta, baby? You know it don't mean nuffin, you know yer my girl) and balancing pens in mid-air, and he casually mentions having lived in I SWEAR TO YOU every country in the world, and also of having taught Pablo Picasso to paint, and then, like, two-thirds of the way through she's like *taps lip* something is not right with this kid.
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And I will not lie to you, Intratubes, I totally ripped right through this because how is Noël not going to get sued by the Twilight Corporation? Even though TWIST instead of him being able to read everyone's mind but hers, she can read everyone's mind but his, this is closing in on Idea-Theft. Also, the next two books are called Blue Moon and Schmeeclipse except that last one is a lie BUT THE FIRST ONE ISN'T!
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But then when it gets to the point when Ever is all *breathy* Vampire! Damen just laughs and is like, WRONG, SMeyers!! I have not stolen your storyline! I am in fact an Immortal and it is totally different because we do not suck blood and...that's sort of the only difference. And you can perhaps be forgiven for that, as my Immortal-juice, which I am constantly and suggestively sipping, does look misleadingly like blood.
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Oh right. I forgot, there's this hauntingly flawless/gorgeous/perfect/meaningless-adjective-of-your-choice red-head from Damen's past kicking around and palling up with The Goth and it TURNS OUT that Ever is Damen's mortal lover who the red-head keeps killing before they can consumate and then the red-head and Damen get up to shennanigans while he waits for Ever to reincarnate with no remembrance of all those other times they were star-crossed almost-lovers and he has to woo her again and I SWEAR this storyline is cribbed from something else but I cannot for the life. Little help, nettosphere?
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Anyway, this is where (to shamelessly plagarize TY, which I think I have earned at this point) my mind blew up all over my face. Because Noël seems to have forgotten where she was going and also to be composing on a typewriter. Set into stone. By which I mean Damen is all, I made you Immortal when your family died! Oh yes, and then also this bit about you being my oft-recycled love! And now you will fight the red-head TO THE DEATH because I sort of forgot that I made you Immortal! And now I have remembered, and also you will kill her (Mortalize, so to speak) by gently punching her in the 4th chakra, which is the seat of love and her only weak spot etc etc etc.
.Aaaaaan then it was over.
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And damned if this book didn't make me appreciate Twilight JUST a little bit. Because say what you will (and I have), SMeyers can pace a story. Evermore rushed and dawdled and things kept happening but I didn't see them happen and I was all What? Why are we on horses now? And love Edward or hate him, at least he pushes Bella to go to college and to hold off on her urges. Damen spends every waking second coaxing Ever to cut class so he can try to get into her pants..
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And then (heee) there's this one point where Ever takes up heavy drinking, and Noel's rendering of drunk-speech look more like drunk-typing, because alcohol does not give you a lisp AND Tourettes AND make you a German.
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And then (eee hee) Ever asks Damen if she can sample his 'red herring drink' and he's all 'You won't like it. Tastes just like medicine. But that's probably because it is medicine.' This guy is suave.
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And then (hee hee) when the red-head is taunting her, she's all 'So what'll it be? Slow death? Or agonizingly slow death?' Which, I'm not sure I understand the question.
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And then (HEE!) the red-head throws her against a fridge and she lands on her back and 'a trail of warm blood seeps from my skull to my mouth' and THAT GOES AGAINST THE LAWS OF PHYSICS!!
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And amidst all this hee-hee-ing I cried into my Cheerios because I am actually only 2/3 done the Horrible Dare and that means my mind is only 2/3 atrophied.
And amidst all this hee-hee-ing I cried into my Cheerios because I am actually only 2/3 done the Horrible Dare and that means my mind is only 2/3 atrophied..
Sorrow.
Posts
28 comments:
On the bright side, that means the rest of us are only 2/3 done being amused :D
I almost prefer it when you read bad books ( even though I am sorry you have had to go through the experience) because then they are frakkin' hilarious--- like this one!
I nominated you for, like, every BBAW award there was so--- I hope you win 18 or something.
You make me laugh--- in a literate way.
I'm w/ Nymeth and Rachel! I wish the dare had more books just so I could read your reviews of them. :D
(And my word verification is 'ommuffe'...which sounds more than a bit naughty for 8 AM!)
Count me in with those who want you to read more bad books, because this is SO funny. I'm giggling over here, and very glad I have no plans to read this book!
hee-hee I loved this.
loved the REVIEW! i mean
not the story
Consider the alter to your brass balls erected. I bow down before your greatness. O. M. G. you've tickled me pink with Hilarity!
Evermore makes Twilight Pulitzer worthy. Is this not the stupidest book you've ever read?
The reincarnation plotline sounds familiar. The Gargoyle, maybe?
Anyway glad you stuck it out. I can't believe book 2 is Blue Moon. Yikes!
The mind reading thing is directly out of the Sookie Stackhouse books by Charlaine Harris. She can read everyone's mind except the vampires.
Excellent review.
Fabulous review. I'll be sure to not read that book. Hysterical as always!
Alayne
thecrowdedleaf.wordpress.com
<--- note to self. Stop drinking coffee when reading Raych's posts.
off to get a paper towel to clean my monitor (again).
Ah maaan, this review made me choke on my lunch. Brilliant.
I love your reviews of unreadable books!
I don't get it. Start again.
- Not Darren (boo)
This is hilarious. Send it in to the publisher. Maybe they will quote you on the back of the books second edition. :)
Oh my! That has to be one of the most hilarious reviews Ever! (see how I put Ever in there?) I read that one and didn't like it either, but I wish the painful reading would have inspired me such a brilliant review, too! :D
I couldn't finish this book. It's confusing. I said to my self "self give it a chance". But as much as I tried I couldn't get into it.
The part I am referring to is when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees damon (I think?) sitting in her room. she tells her self she's dreaming and then she's in school and at lunch with Damon. I don't know where her "hallucination" ended and where school begins.
Finally!! Someone said it. Everyone kept saying they liked this book and I totally hated it. It was absolutely horrible and it took me forever to read because I kept putting it down. I read some where of someone reading a book about a guy being reincarnated that sounds exactly the same though I have never read it. This is a great review! Hilariously and absolutely true.
Thank you! Very good to know, because I can't really take another one of these books. Not even sure what to call them. Where is Buffy when you need her?
Thanks again for the heads up.
Wasn't it a Chistopher Pike book? She keep getting reincarnated and killed off before they can get busy? Sounds like something he did...
Okay, right now I'm sure my mother is wondering, what the heck is displayed on this computer screen that is making me laugh so hard. This book sounds truly heinous. However, I'm almost tempted to try to read it just to see if it is as bad as it sounds like it is.
Wow, that book sounds agonizing. But now I'm going to have to read it because I could use a good laugh.
Also, I've got a suggestion for you. You should try reading the Eragon series and count how many times the lead guy gets knocked out. I kid you not, in the second book it was over 10 times in something like 5 chapters.
Holy crap, you were right on the money. I actually made the mistake of BUYING the book, and was appropriately horrified to discover I was feeding the flames of shallow YA paranormal romances. My only revenge was being one of the first reviews on Amazon.
Ah, you Athenian acerbic wit restores my hope in humanity. And on the Internet, no less!
Soooo you basically said everything I really wanted to about this book -- but in an extremely hilarious way! Um, I hated it. The entire time I was reading, I kept shaking it at my sister and saying, "I didn't think it could get more like Twilight, but it freaking DID!"
She was only mildly amused. She doesn't share the Twilight love as much as I do.
Thanks for sharing the frustations of many of us who picked this book up innocently enough -- and were subsequently tortured!
I loved this book. The Immortals series is my favorite. It's better than Twilight to me. WAY better.
This book is actually good. It's way better than Twilight & i love Twilight(:
What's the point in reading a book just to write what you thought was wrong with it on the internet?
If you didn't like the book after a few chapters, why carry on reading? Idiot.
HeHe ... the point is that, damn it, someone's got to sift through all the crap that's out there and warn everyone else to STEER CLEAR or your mind will be OMGWTFBBQ'D by the absolute crappiness!
Awesome review ... haha ... and spot-on ... this book made no sense at all ... I couldn't read past a third of the way ... I was like ... wtf is up with this dood ... he likes her, but he is ignoring her to play magic tricks on people she hates ... huh ... then he likes her again ... then he doesn't ... then ... (?).
I for one appreciate people warning me off so that I never have to waste my time on rubbish like this.
i liked the book but it was sooooooo obvious that they copied twilight and there were parts where it went from one thing to another and then back again like when drina almost killed her and then damen saves her or whatever and then shes killing her again? that was wierd and it was exactly like when james tortured bella in twilight! what was that? hilarious great review
BTW--- Ever dies when the rest of her family does but she doesn't cross over. Niether does her sister Riley. When Damen sees Ever's spirit lingering, he thinks that she is trying to say that she doesn't want to die, so he turns her immortal in Summerland. Then she comes back to life as an immortal but doesn't know it. She can only see the auras, read thoughts, and know life stories because she is immortal. ALL immortals can do that. Well, most of them anyways. (BTW--- I can't choose between this series and the Twilight series) Probably Twilight though! :)
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